Musings

What will I be when I grow up? Like all children, I used wonder about this, daydream in class, dream about it at night. And sometimes, just let my thoughts wander, as I wondered.

I am no more a child, nor someone on the verge of adulthood. I am now a man, and have been, for a few years. I have, you could say, grown up! And still, everyday, I ponder upon this question; What will I be?

Just when life brings me to a destination, I realise it is no more than another crossroads, with possiblities both obscure and obvious. It almost feels like I'm trying to predict a future that simply does not exist until it becomes the present.

I have wondered why this is. Why do I still seek? What is it that I seek? What am I waiting for? I do not see this as a problem to solve, but a question to which I seek an answer. What is the difference? Simply this; it does not bother me that I have not found the answer yet. Nor do I think it will upset me if I do not find it at all. I don't need the solution. I do not crave the answer. It will come to me. Until then, I cannot stop waiting.

Does the answer lie in what I am today? It is possible. For isn't all of time one single, seamless, thread? The tree of history is the seed of the future. No matter where I am, I am in som sense, at the beginning. So let me begin...

Today, I am an observer.

I act with the confidence of twenty five years of conditioning. I react with the slow sureness of a thinking intellect; an intellect capable of lofty surrealty and perverse logic in equal meaure.

I create new ideas from those that already exist. I create because I a drawn to new ideas. They allow me to delve into the waters of infinite possibilities - the answers to my question - and swim through them, looking for nothing, but finding what I like, liking what I find, at that moment.

I believe in concepts that take me beyond logic - I weild my destiny. I am, but a leaf, drifting in the winds of destiny. I am destiny, and I am the leaf. There is a purpose to life. To grow beyond a purpose,is life.

In all these I believe, without contradiction. Because deep down, they make sense to me. I cannot explain them, but I know them, like I would know the depth of the ocean while standing upon its shores. I cannot tell you how deep it is, but I 'know' it.

But above all, I am an observer. For I believe this is not part of my conditioning. Remove all my layers, one after another, and in the nothingness of my being, there will be a witness, whose purpose is neither to record, nor judge, but to simply see.

That is what I am today. Have I always been so? I do not know. Does a child remember the first time it spoke? Does the infant recall its first words? What is the first moment of sleep, the last instant of the waking?

The dawn of a new day nulls the existence of the night. I do not know what I was before, or even if there was a 'before'. I have always been an observer. A witness to myself. A lone pebble under the swirling stars.

And this, is the sum of my being.